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Now I don’t know about you, but I love having a good time. Laughing with friends, watching a good movie, I love it all. But what really gets me going? Obviously…it’s Minions!
If you don’t already know, Minions are the lovable by-product of Universal Pictures’ Despicable Me. In the film, the lovable anti-hero, Gru, animates a sack of skinned potatoes to do his bidding and hilarity ensues.
At first, audiences were unsure what to make of these sentient potatoes, enslaved to a madman hell-bent on stealing the moon and destroying humanity. But by the end of the movie, we were sold! They love Gru, and he loves them. Since then, Minions have taken on a life of their own with their own feature film, where the life-cycle of a Minion is fleshed out from its initial peeling, to the final life-ending boiling in Gru’s dinner.
Unable to speak, the minions communicate through a series of guttural ululations and the parrot-like repetition of the few words Gru managed to teach them, namely, “banana” and “suffer.” As a fan, seeing these lovable vegetables, skinned and writhing as they attempt to go about their master’s bidding, filling whatever room they are in with the eery sibilance of their soft voices is just a treat! Not only is it funny, but their determination is positively heart-warming.
There has been some confusion over the name “minion,” with some fans claiming that it’s resemblance to “mini onion” might provide a clue that the minions are actually onions instead of, as previously thought, potatoes. This conspiracy theory however, was put to rest when a scene in the Minions movie shows Gru subjecting what is clearly a potato to a series of increasing electric shocks until a Minion’s painful gut-wrenching screams burst through the potato’s newly formed mouth in a horrid subversion of God’s ineffable will and lo, a new minion is formed.
The appeal of minions is not only their quirky communication and the interesting fan-theories about such mysterious creations, but their outlook on life!
To a minion there is no God, only pleasure. Their hedonistic journey is one of immediate gratification. There is no morality to a potato born in science, only that which feels good and satisfies their base urge to gain power and serve their master, whoever that may be.
Unable to naturally reproduce, sex loses its biological necessity and becomes only an act of lust. The scenes of Minions fucking without abandon are numerous, and often provide a light-hearted sense of comic relief to the more gruesome scenes of the newest Minions movie. Needless to say, these silly potatoes are a hit among children!
As you can see, minions are a treat for young and old. Their silly demeanor and interesting backstories allows for whole-family fun.
With candor,
Mike Huckabee
The Clove 