Vassar College – Things have been getting awkward between Vassar College President Catharine Bond “Cappy” Hill and the divestment protesters who have set up camp outside of her office in Main Building. The protesters have been staged outside of her office since Monday, April 25th to call on her to endorse their demands of Vassar’s divestment from oil companies and to call a meeting of the Executive Committee of the Board of Trustees so that they too can address these demands. This has made things uncomfortable for Hill who enjoys walking Main’s halls while sipping from a golden chalice of “delicious, delicious” crude oil and looking at J.D. Rockefeller’s personal art collection which lines the halls of Main Building. A guilty-looking Hill was last seen peeking out of her doorway at the protestors with a dark oil mustache above her lip.
Written by Cristian Uriostegui
– THE CLOVE –
Month: April 2016
Remember when Jim Webb bragged about Killing a Guy on National TV?
Holy shit. Like that’s fucking wild. Who the hell says that? How do you think that conversation played out with his staff before the debate? I think it went almost exactly like this:
CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator Webb, I’d advise you to avoid telling the Vietnam anecdote, it is rather… uh bleak.”
JIM “FUCKING” WEBB [looking his chief of staff straight in the eye]: “No, I am certainly definitely going to talk about Killing A Guy during a presidential debate.”
“This is something that is going to happen and you need to accept it.”
CHIEF OF STAFF: “Well, maybe you could change part of the story. Like the part where you end a life.”
JIM “PAIN” WEBB: “No can do. Dave, I’m a straightshooter, which means I shoot straight at people until they are dead.”
CHIEF OF STAFF [worriedly]: “Jim please, I don’t think that will resonate well with the voters who dislike stuff such as intimate descriptions of violence from a presidential candidate.”
JIM “MURDERCAT” WEBB: “I think those voters will come around to my way of thinking after they hear me speak. Now, let’s work on my closing line.”
“Why should I be president? Well, I’ve done the most one-on-one murder of anyone here, no doubt.”
CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator, I’m not sure that’s how we want to end the debate, also are you going to smile exactly like that as you tell the story? It’s somewhat… off-putting.”
JIM “THE REAPER” WEBB [smiling]: No.
Written by Michael Loukeris
– THE CLOVE –
Thank God There Weren’t Two Dennis Quaids in the Parent Trap.
On October 8, 2013, Canadian authorities arrested actor Randy Quaid. But the real danger is his younger brother, Dennis. In this heated election season, people are talking about gun control and the Syrian refugee crisis. But what most Americans are itching to hear the candidates address is the flaming horror that is Dennis Quaid.
My rocky relationship with Dennis Quaid began with The Parent Trap, starring Lindsay Lohan opposite British Lindsay Lohan and Dennis Quaid. Great film. I’ve never eaten an Oreo or gone into a handshake the same way since. But the film’s true hero, everyone knows, is dorky-dad Dennis Quaid.
This movie tricked me into thinking that Dennis Quaid was not only a great guy but also a great actor. I’m guessing me and every other eight year old child who loved this film probably thought that Dennis Quaid had been racking up Oscars or, at the very least, a couple of Emmy’s before, during, and after that formative movie. We were all so wrong.
The truth is, Dennis Quaid sucks. I realized this recently while re-watching 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow—a film that I once considered as fear-provoking as The Blair Witch Project. Upon rewatching it, that movie is just plain bad. If you didn’t see it in theaters like I once did, the film’s antagonist is weather. The film’s most famous scene is when the people run away from the cold. But Dennis Quaid was a scientist who knew about global warming, so he somehow saves the world. He’s not an inventor or anything like that—just some guy who knew it was coming and was ignored by the President of America. Don’t overthink it.
In his seminal film, Yours, Mine & Ours (2005), Dennis Quaid AGAIN plays a dad, this time named Frank Beardsley. BEARDSLEY. And, of course, he’s a Coast Guard Admiral, so Dennis Quaid willingly auditioned for the role of withholding-father-of-eight, Coast Guard Admiral Frank Beardsley. Quaid is ruthless. This movie is really bad.
More recently, Quaid, type-casted as “Dad” again, played the father of soul-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Soul Surfer (2011). While I have not personally seen this film, I know it stars AnnaSophia Robb, who had to film the entire movie wearing a green-sleeve so that they could CGI her arm out in editing. Oy.
That same year, Quaid played Reverend Shaw Moore in the reboot of Footloose. Because of course he did.
Dennis Quaid is a bad actor. He currently has zero Oscars.
“He was bad on the Ellen Show!! That’s why he sucks,” Lame Duck Main House President Mark Lawson ‘18 said. “If you can’t be good on The Ellen Show, what can you be good on?”
“Dennis Quaid is not great,” Lame Duck College President Cappy commented before taking a bite out of a kiwi, unskinned.
Dennis Quaid’s middle name is “William,” because of course it is.
Written by Samantha Kohl
– THE CLOVE –
Avowed Socialist Fills Free Water Cup With Soda
San Antonio, TX – Local skateboard shop cashier and self-designated socialist Larry Rather was seen at a local Wing Daddys asking for a cup of water. Rather obtained a cup from the Wing Daddy’s staff under the presumption that he was going to fill the cup with water. However, when Rather approached the soda fountain he was seen filling his cup with Coca-Cola.
The Wing Daddy’s manager Keith O’Keith was reached for comment.
“I gave the man [Rather] the water cup, expecting him to drink exactly that: water. But to my surprise he sauntered on over to the soda fountain and pushed that water cup against the Cokey-Cola lever,” said O’Keith. “It was devastating.”
Patrons on site at the Wing Daddys were eager to express their opinion. Former Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb, who was sitting alone at the Wing Daddys, said, “this was a clear breach of the social contract of the water cup. It’s a water cup, you fill it with water and water only. Those are the rules and this guy broke them. You put water in the water cup. It ain’t rocket science.” Webb took a deep breath, then continued, “I ain’t a rocket scientist, I’m Jim Webb. If I were manager of this Wing Daddys I’d make sure this never happened again.”
When reached for comment, Rather defended his actions as politically just.
“Just because I can’t afford soda doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to get some. Why should soda be a privilege only accessible to the top 1%?” said Rather, “Just because someone has more money doesn’t mean they’re more entitled to soda.” Rather took a sip.
O’Keith was last seen glaring at Rather from across the restaurant with his arms crossed.
Written by Cristian Uriostegui
– THE CLOVE –
Amazing! – We Asked 8 Alumni About Their Favorite Memories of Cappy
POUGHKEEPSIE – In the light of the recent announcement of the departure of Vassar College’s tenth President, Catharine Bond Hill or ‘Cappy’, The Clove took it upon itself to interview past alum about the current president’s legacy and her lasting impact.
“Who is Cappy?”
Alice Hanson, Class of ‘88
“How did you get this number?”
Kate Balin, Class of ‘74
“Lo siento, señor, pero no hablo inglés. Sin embargo, he oído un poco sobre esta “Cappy” de la que usted habla. He oído que ella ha hecho mucho para apoyar la “necesidad ciego” ayuda financiera, pero no mucho más. Ahora déjame en paz .”
Lane Sherwood, Class of ‘86
“(wordless static)”
David Geroni, Class of ‘90
“She was just the best! Everything you could want in a college president. Oh wait, Cappy? No, sorry I was thinking of myself”
Frances Daly Fergusson, Class of ‘79
“Please stop calling me”
Pamela Singh, Class of ‘07
“Press 1 for Operations Management, Press 2 for Accounts Billable, Press 3 for more options”
Nathan Vilaró, Class of ‘84
“I went to Dartmouth”
Angie Williams Class of ‘59
Written by Michael Loukeris
– THE CLOVE –
Freshman Anxious About Farting in Presence of New Friend Group
Vassar College – Over the past twelve days, prospective Religion major Neil Agusto has averaged 3.75 fewer hours of sleep per night than his semester average. This drop has correlated with his prospective entry into the exclusive freshman clique ‘Boo Boo 7’.
One source close to Agusto cited his anxiety concerning the flatulence tolerance of the Lathrop freshman clique’ as the key factor in these developments, stating, “He’s really anxious about letting it rip in front of the Boo Boo’s.”
According to veteran campus patroller Jeremy Phleugrad, this past Friday night, Agusto was seen clenching his cheeks, holding his breath and fast-walking out of Lathrop, minutes before setting one off in the Strong basement. After calling in fellow patroller, rookie Patricia Gaffney, to check in on the situation, Gaffney found Agusto passed out from exhaustion.
“He was barely breathing,” said Gaffney, “but I don’t blame him because I could barely do the same in that cloud of leftover Deece basa.”
When asked whether she knew the reasons behind Agusto’s exhaustion, Boo Boo figurehead Sandy Combs said, “No I thought he was in good health,” but noted, “I did find it odd though that he was so flip floppy that night. One minute we’re discussing how Hillary is the only realistic democratic presidential candidate, and the next minute he’s out the door talking about ‘feeling the Bern.’ Weird.”
Sources close to the situation say that Agusto can now breathe a sigh of relief, claiming that, since yesterday afternoon, the Boo Boo’s have fully adopted him into the group, making it now ‘Boo Boo 8.’
Agusto has since been taken to Baldwin, where he will be denied health advisory.
Written by Hoon Hong
– THE CLOVE –
We Hacked Susan Sarandon’s Computer and You Won’t Believe What We Found
Famous Hollywood actress Susan Sarandon has been dominating news headlines for recent comments that many have interpreted as an endorsement of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.
When asked by MSNBC’s Chris Hayes whether she could bring herself to vote for Hillary Clinton in the case that she secured the nomination, Sarandon said, “I don’t know. I’m going to see what happens,” before adding, “Some people feel that Donald Trump will bring the revolution immediately if he gets in, things will really explode.”
Due to the incendiary nature of Sarandon’s comments, our team of professional hackers breached her privacy and hacked her electronics in order to investigate her political alignment and threat level to the United States. Our team of extremely good hackers obtained a screenshare showing Sarandon browsing on her personal laptop. What we found when we illegally disregarded her privacy will both shock and disgust you.
Video by Mollie Kather
Preface by Cristian Uriostegui
– THE CLOVE –
We Dressed Ten Dogs in Bonnets and You Won’t BELIEVE How Cute It Is.
Michael Hardt and Antonio Negri’s excerpted work in Lemert’s Social Theory, The Multitude Against the Empire, attempts to introduce a new locution into the canon of post-Marxist terminology. The concept, termed Empire, along with the eponymous book written by the authors has been seen by some critics as their effort to create a modern-day Communist Manifesto and the work suffers as a result. However, the idea of Empire and the ability of capitalism to cross borders with impunity are both interesting and valid in how they relate to looking at globalization and transnational capitalist entities. Empire as defined by Hardt and Negri is a consequence of how globalization has weakened and reduced nation-states. The sovereign power of individual nation-states is lessened by the fluidity of the modern means of production and profit—capital, workers, technology, and goods. The porousness of national boundaries has weakened the specific sovereignty of nation-states, but it has not weakened the idea of sovereignty as a whole. Instead the crux of sovereignty has shifted to a ‘series of national and supranational organisms united under a single logic of rule.’ Global sovereignty is the result of the slow removal of any geographic or topographic barriers to profit and production. The authors note that Empire is not imperialism because imperialism requires boundaries and expansion of those boundaries, along with rule stretching from a center of power. Empire differs from colonialism and imperialism because it is both ‘decentered’ and ‘deterritorializing.’ Hardt and Negri employ a metaphor wherein the map of imperialism is a checkerboard of European flag colors with land parceled out to specific colonial powers. Meanwhile the map of Empire is a muddled blend of all the imperial colors. In addition to being divorced from spatiotemporal restrictions, Empire is also ahistorical. Empire does not present itself as a transitionary phase between late capitalism and some other future economic system. Empire conveys itself not an imperial power born from conquest but as a concept that occupies history. Empire is ever-present and everlasting and seeks to position itself such that a Marxian revolution in a single nation-state would not be able to disrupt its global reach.
April Fools
Long Live the Proletariat
Written by Michael Loukeris
– THE CLOVE –
The Clove 