POUGHKEEPSIE, NY- In an address to nearly four faculty members Monday, President Catherine Hill, of Vassar College, announced plans to begin construction of a fifty foot wall surrounding the private, liberal arts school. Hill, sporting her signature low-cut, relaxed pant suit, and a burgundy baseball hat reading “Make Vassar Great Again”, made the address as a result of numerous on-campus assaults and burglaries:
“Here at Vassar, we pride ourselves on our ability to go directly to the source and, in this case, that source is the town of Poughkeepsie. In a situation where past presidents may have turned a blind eye, I am here to assert that, while Vassar College may have an open curriculum, it certainly does not have an open campus.”
Following a long series of aggressive fist pounding and spirited pelvic thrusting, Hill added:
“I am classically trained in many things- calligraphy, 90’s JCPenny catalogues, oriental silk scarves- but I am most classically trained in wall construction. I will make a really terrific wall… probably the best wall.”
Hill then unveiled two blueprints, both of which she drew herself (pictured below), and commented the following on the issue of funding:
“The town of Poughkeepsie is very fortunate to have us. We give them a lot of stuff- heteronormativity awareness, high-waisted cut-off shorts, VCash- and, in return for such generosity, I will make sure that Poughkeepsie pays for this wall.”
Hill ended the presentation by throwing a handful of used cigarette butts to the ground and disappearing into a cloud of glitter.
Nila Bunn, a junior Women’s Studies major, criticized the proposal, saying, “Poughkeepsie has gotten such a bad reputation, but I don’t think these people have ever even been to Poughkeepsie- it’s got a lot of cool stuff! Crafted Kup, Twisted Soul, the Poughkeepsie Galleria, Dollar Yard- just some really cool stuff. I would hate to be so disconnected from such a great place.”
Royce Wellman, a prospective Economics major, retorted Bunn, claiming, “I don’t know, just seems kind of gross.”
John Tkazyik, Mayor of Poughkeepsie, declined to comment.
Construction of “The Great Wall of Cappy” is set to begin November 15, and work study jobs are to be made available as early as spring semester.
Written by Mollie Kather
-THE CLOVE-
The Clove 