Vassar College – Over the past twelve days, prospective Religion major Neil Agusto has averaged 3.75 fewer hours of sleep per night than his semester average. This drop has correlated with his prospective entry into the exclusive freshman clique ‘Boo Boo 7’.
One source close to Agusto cited his anxiety concerning the flatulence tolerance of the Lathrop freshman clique’ as the key factor in these developments, stating, “He’s really anxious about letting it rip in front of the Boo Boo’s.”
According to veteran campus patroller Jeremy Phleugrad, this past Friday night, Agusto was seen clenching his cheeks, holding his breath and fast-walking out of Lathrop, minutes before setting one off in the Strong basement. After calling in fellow patroller, rookie Patricia Gaffney, to check in on the situation, Gaffney found Agusto passed out from exhaustion.
“He was barely breathing,” said Gaffney, “but I don’t blame him because I could barely do the same in that cloud of leftover Deece basa.”
When asked whether she knew the reasons behind Agusto’s exhaustion, Boo Boo figurehead Sandy Combs said, “No I thought he was in good health,” but noted, “I did find it odd though that he was so flip floppy that night. One minute we’re discussing how Hillary is the only realistic democratic presidential candidate, and the next minute he’s out the door talking about ‘feeling the Bern.’ Weird.”
Sources close to the situation say that Agusto can now breathe a sigh of relief, claiming that, since yesterday afternoon, the Boo Boo’s have fully adopted him into the group, making it now ‘Boo Boo 8.’
Agusto has since been taken to Baldwin, where he will be denied health advisory.
Written by Hoon Hong
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The Clove 