Freshman Anxious About Farting in Presence of New Friend Group

Vassar College – Over the past twelve days, prospective Religion major Neil Agusto has averaged 3.75 fewer hours of sleep per night than his semester average. This drop has correlated with his prospective entry into the exclusive freshman clique ‘Boo Boo 7’.

One source close to Agusto cited his anxiety concerning the flatulence tolerance of the Lathrop freshman clique’ as the key factor in these developments, stating, “He’s really anxious about letting it rip in front of the Boo Boo’s.”

According to veteran campus patroller Jeremy Phleugrad, this past Friday night, Agusto was seen clenching his cheeks, holding his breath and fast-walking out of Lathrop, minutes before setting one off in the Strong basement. After calling in fellow patroller, rookie Patricia Gaffney, to check in on the situation, Gaffney found Agusto passed out from exhaustion.

“He was barely breathing,” said Gaffney, “but I don’t blame him because I could barely do the same in that cloud of leftover Deece basa.”

When asked whether she knew the reasons behind Agusto’s exhaustion, Boo Boo figurehead Sandy Combs said, “No I thought he was in good health,” but noted, “I did find it odd though that he was so flip floppy that night. One minute we’re discussing how Hillary is the only realistic democratic presidential candidate, and the next minute he’s out the door talking about ‘feeling the Bern.’ Weird.”

Sources close to the situation say that Agusto can now breathe a sigh of relief, claiming that, since yesterday afternoon, the Boo Boo’s have fully adopted him into the group, making it now ‘Boo Boo 8.’

Agusto has since been taken to Baldwin, where he will be denied health advisory.

Written by Hoon Hong

– THE CLOVE –

5 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU WON’T KEEP

New Year, New Me, right? Wrong!! Here are the 5 New Year’s Resolutions you are most likely to make even though you’ll never be able to stick to them.

1. “I’m going to go to the gym everyday.”

Have fun going to the gym every day in January. Sure you’ll have fun watching Netflix on the elliptical, but come February, you’re going to realize that True Blood is way too inappropriate to watch in public and much more enjoyable on your couch with a sleeve of Oreos and a bottle of wine. Besides, think of all the time you’re wasting at the gym, repeating weird motions like a muscle robot; that time could be better spent building relationships, getting ahead on work, or knitting small sweaters for your pet mouse, Rodolfo. If you keep going to the gym then, down the road, while you might be the sexiest 80-year-old in town, in the end, you’re going to be old, unemployed, and alone because Rodolfo died of hypothermia (R.I.P. Rodolfo).

 

2. “I’m going to eat healthier.”

You’re going to spend weeks searching for the best new fad diet, emptying out your entire refrigerator and pantry, and filling them with hundreds of dollars worth of chia seeds, wheatgrass, kohlrabi, raw catfish nuggets, and other weird garbage you read about on Hunter Gather Love or PaleOMG, only to find out months later that studies have shown this fad diet actually cuts ten years off your life and makes you sound like a total jerk. Maybe losing those ten years won’t even matter, since you won’t have any friends who will want to eat with you anymore anyway.

 

3. “I’m going to drink less…”

“…wait did somebody say shots? No? Well speaking of shots, I can shotgun a beer in less than 10 seconds! You don’t believe me? Oh you DO believe me? Well whatever I’ll show you.”

 

4. “I’m going to stop talking to my ex for a little while.”

Except for when they text you first. Or they miss you a lot. Or they need advice. Or they have a Vine compilation of puppies to show you. Or they need a date for their cousin’s wedding to get their Aunt Martha off their back about dying alone. Or they need a doubles partner for their hometown’s annual hotdog eating contest, of which they are the reigning champion and “can’t afford to lose.”

Let’s face it, “stop talking” really translates to “I’m going to pause for a brief moment before communicating with my ex, fleetingly consider the consequences, and then proceed to snap them a cute selfie, poke them on Facebook, and send them Farmville invites.”

 

5. “I’m going to make time for ‘me’.”

At first, this will involve you, your pajamas, and a seemingly endless slew of rom-coms alone in your room. The next weekend will roll around and your friends will say, “You need to get out! Trust us, it will be good for you!” So you’ll go with your friends, drowning your to-do list in Bud Lite Limes and tequila shots; they’ll beg you to accompany them into that club you always pass on your way to work, Papa Squat, and you’ll dance on the tables with a sweaty guy named Derek, or, given your luck, a Logan. What’s-his-name will give you his number, but you will lose it by the time you get home. This will upset you, because even though he smelled like sulfur and couldn’t stop talking about how Kramer is his spirit animal, you think there’s something there, and that maybe you could love a Logan, if you really tried.

The following weekend you’ll be buried in work, and you’ll start to convince yourself that doing your homework on a Saturday night is “me time” because you’re helping yourself not fail out of school and be unemployed forever, right? You begin to ask yourself, “What does ‘me’ even want?” and “Who am ‘me’?” Next thing you know you’ve got an existential crisis on your hands. “Am I really happy? What is happiness? How did I get to where I am? Do I even like this school? Do I really need a college degree to do what I want? Maybe I should have moved to New Mexico like Uncle Jimmy told me to and pursue my dream of making and selling pottery. How is it already 2:47 am? I have a final in five hours and thirteen minutes! Fudgesicles!”

 

Written by Kayla Schwab

– THE CLOVE –