Thank God There Weren’t Two Dennis Quaids in the Parent Trap.

On October 8, 2013, Canadian authorities arrested actor Randy Quaid. But the real danger is his younger brother, Dennis. In this heated election season, people are talking about gun control and the Syrian refugee crisis. But what most Americans are itching to hear the candidates address is the flaming horror that is Dennis Quaid. 

My rocky relationship with Dennis Quaid began with The Parent Trap, starring Lindsay Lohan opposite British Lindsay Lohan and Dennis Quaid. Great film. I’ve never eaten an Oreo or gone into a handshake the same way since. But the film’s true hero, everyone knows, is dorky-dad Dennis Quaid.

This movie tricked me into thinking that Dennis Quaid was not only a great guy but also a great actor. I’m guessing me and every other eight year old child who loved this film probably thought that Dennis Quaid had been racking up Oscars or, at the very least, a couple of Emmy’s before, during, and after that formative movie. We were all so wrong.

The truth is, Dennis Quaid sucks. I realized this recently while re-watching 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow—a film that I once considered as fear-provoking as The Blair Witch Project. Upon rewatching it, that movie is just plain bad. If you didn’t see it in theaters like I once did, the film’s antagonist is weather. The film’s most famous scene is when the people run away from the cold. But Dennis Quaid was a scientist who knew about global warming, so he somehow saves the world. He’s not an inventor or anything like that—just some guy who knew it was coming and was ignored by the President of America. Don’t overthink it.

In his seminal film, Yours, Mine & Ours (2005), Dennis Quaid AGAIN plays a dad, this time named Frank Beardsley. BEARDSLEY. And, of course, he’s a Coast Guard Admiral, so Dennis Quaid willingly auditioned for the role of withholding-father-of-eight, Coast Guard Admiral Frank Beardsley. Quaid is ruthless. This movie is really bad.

More recently, Quaid, type-casted as “Dad” again, played the father of soul-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Soul Surfer (2011). While I have not personally seen this film, I know it stars AnnaSophia Robb, who had to film the entire movie wearing a green-sleeve so that they could CGI her arm out in editing. Oy.

That same year, Quaid played Reverend Shaw Moore in the reboot of Footloose. Because of course he did.

Dennis Quaid is a bad actor. He currently has zero Oscars.

“He was bad on the Ellen Show!! That’s why he sucks,” Lame Duck Main House President Mark Lawson ‘18 said. “If you can’t be good on The Ellen Show, what can you be good on?”

“Dennis Quaid is not great,” Lame Duck College President Cappy commented before taking a bite out of a kiwi, unskinned.

Dennis Quaid’s middle name is “William,” because of course it is.

Written by Samantha Kohl

                                                         – THE CLOVE – 

I hate Alex Trebek.

Hey, my name is Frank James and I think the most important thing you have to understand about me is that I hate Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. Actually, on second thought, maybe that’s a bit too strong. What is more accurate is that I mildly dislike Jeopardy host Alex Trebek. Like, not enough that I would miss watching the show every weeknight at 7PM, but enough such that Alex Trebek bothers me just a little.

His game show hosting is plain awful. Alex T blatantly chooses favorites among the three contestants—but he’s really terrible at choosing favorites because his favorite loses like 67% of the time, or something like that. I guess that’s actually not statistically significant—it doesn’t reduce the suspense of who will win because there are only three contestants anyway. That doesn’t really matter that much to me, and besides, I made the statistic up anyway. I’m sorry I brought it up. I’m sure he’s just trying his best to get by.

If I ran into him in person, I guess we could have some perfectly pleasant small talk. We could talk about the winter weather, or the holiday-themed episode of Jeopardy that they have every year. He could tell me that the 2006 Christmas episode was his favorite, and I could agree those Daily Doubles had me on the edge of my seat. We would laugh about that. Maybe he would invite me to his upcoming Christmas party. I might just go too. But— I just want to be clear here— I would go because I’m really into the holiday spirit. Not Alex Trebek.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I think Alex Trebek is a pretty stand up guy. I don’t know if I should share this, but I have this fantasy about him: I could get back to our apartment after a long day to find Alex already there— he’s not usually back at this time because he only owns one suit so he has to get it dry-cleaned every day, but he had it done early so we could have some extra time together— and he’s watching reruns of Jeopardy on TiVo because he likes reading all of the questions along with himself and he’ll turn around and tell me that he is already brewing tea because he knows that I’ve had a long day and I tell him that he thinks of everything and that yes, I did have a long day because the merger fell through and I lost at the local chess tournament to some 8 year-old prodigy, but it’s OK because he’ll get up and hold me close with his big soft arms while the final Jeopardy tune plays on the television and finally as the song cadences the tea pot begins to steam and I’ll look at him with wonder and ask how he timed all of that, and he’ll look at me and say he just knew, and I’ll finally be able to say what I’ve been struggling to say for months now, and the words just tumble out of my mouth in a heap and fall all over the floor because I love you, Alex Trebek.

Written by Frank James

                                                         – THE CLOVE –