On October 8, 2013, Canadian authorities arrested actor Randy Quaid. But the real danger is his younger brother, Dennis. In this heated election season, people are talking about gun control and the Syrian refugee crisis. But what most Americans are itching to hear the candidates address is the flaming horror that is Dennis Quaid.
My rocky relationship with Dennis Quaid began with The Parent Trap, starring Lindsay Lohan opposite British Lindsay Lohan and Dennis Quaid. Great film. I’ve never eaten an Oreo or gone into a handshake the same way since. But the film’s true hero, everyone knows, is dorky-dad Dennis Quaid.
This movie tricked me into thinking that Dennis Quaid was not only a great guy but also a great actor. I’m guessing me and every other eight year old child who loved this film probably thought that Dennis Quaid had been racking up Oscars or, at the very least, a couple of Emmy’s before, during, and after that formative movie. We were all so wrong.
The truth is, Dennis Quaid sucks. I realized this recently while re-watching 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow—a film that I once considered as fear-provoking as The Blair Witch Project. Upon rewatching it, that movie is just plain bad. If you didn’t see it in theaters like I once did, the film’s antagonist is weather. The film’s most famous scene is when the people run away from the cold. But Dennis Quaid was a scientist who knew about global warming, so he somehow saves the world. He’s not an inventor or anything like that—just some guy who knew it was coming and was ignored by the President of America. Don’t overthink it.
In his seminal film, Yours, Mine & Ours (2005), Dennis Quaid AGAIN plays a dad, this time named Frank Beardsley. BEARDSLEY. And, of course, he’s a Coast Guard Admiral, so Dennis Quaid willingly auditioned for the role of withholding-father-of-eight, Coast Guard Admiral Frank Beardsley. Quaid is ruthless. This movie is really bad.
More recently, Quaid, type-casted as “Dad” again, played the father of soul-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Soul Surfer (2011). While I have not personally seen this film, I know it stars AnnaSophia Robb, who had to film the entire movie wearing a green-sleeve so that they could CGI her arm out in editing. Oy.
That same year, Quaid played Reverend Shaw Moore in the reboot of Footloose. Because of course he did.
Dennis Quaid is a bad actor. He currently has zero Oscars.
“He was bad on the Ellen Show!! That’s why he sucks,” Lame Duck Main House President Mark Lawson ‘18 said. “If you can’t be good on The Ellen Show, what can you be good on?”
“Dennis Quaid is not great,” Lame Duck College President Cappy commented before taking a bite out of a kiwi, unskinned.
Dennis Quaid’s middle name is “William,” because of course it is.
Written by Samantha Kohl
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