‘An Email’ by Rich from Res Life

Preface: This raw and real codeine trip of an email has been left completely untouched by the writers of The Clove. We are simply sharing to spread The Word.

Original title: The Vassar College Student Conduct Feed

You know me. ‘Member that link to the Vassar College Reporting Form I sent you so that you could share any situation that you might be uncomfortable addressing…and then I told you we’d take care of it? ‘Member that app that you got last week for the Student Conduct Board? Yeah, those were me.

October Break is right around the corner and I wanted to share that I really hope you’ve found campus life to be good.

Ya’ know, though, the student conduct work at Vassar is more than just creating a good environment; it’s also about doing good. Another goal of the student conduct system is encouraging development in the ability to consciously, maturely, and responsibly navigate the world of expectations. This kind of goodness lasts forever!

Anyway, it seemed important for you to have some info about what we’ve been up to, so here are some numbers from this semester:

109 students from 59 incidents have been processed through the student conduct system for a total of 234 allegations

162, or 69%, of the allegations have resulted in a finding of “Responsible”

14 students were found “Not Responsible” for allegations due to the Good Samaritan Policy

The sanctions we’ve issued are

50 warnings
26 probations
8 party bans
8 referrals to Health Education
29 eCheckup To Go for Alcohol referrals
8 eCheckup To Go for Marijuana referrals

2 students–both first years–have been involved in two separate incidents that included violations

Having shared that, I’ll offer you a few interesting farewell-info-morsels to tide you over until the next Feed.

For those of legal drinking age, it’s now OK to consume your favorite alcoholic beverage outside! However, this is limited to a stoop/patio/porch in the apartment area (or 3-4 feet from an apartment door if there isn’t a stoop/patio/porch). The trick here is not being loud as you responsibly sip your beverage outside, because…

The expectation about not making a lot of noise exists 24/7. There are people sleeping and studying at any hour of any day; this is why it’d be rude to be making a lot of noise at any time

While we’re on the issue of noise, please-please-please be respectful when you fi​​nd yourself off campus. We have a great relationship with the local home-owners and don’t want them to wake up at night to loud noises from Vassar students. Please be considerate.

K, that’s all for now. Have a great weekend and upcoming week–you’ve got a long break coming up!

Take care,
Rich from Res Life

Cappy Exchanges Tense Glance With Divestment Protesters While Sipping Oil

Vassar College – Things have been getting awkward between Vassar College President Catharine Bond “Cappy” Hill and the divestment protesters who have set up camp outside of her office in Main Building. The protesters have been staged outside of her office since Monday, April 25th to call on her to endorse their demands of Vassar’s divestment from oil companies and to call a meeting of the Executive Committee of the Board of Trustees so that they too can address these demands. This has made things uncomfortable for Hill who enjoys walking Main’s halls while sipping from a golden chalice of “delicious, delicious” crude oil and looking at J.D. Rockefeller’s personal art collection which lines the halls of Main Building. A guilty-looking Hill was last seen peeking out of her doorway at the protestors with a dark oil mustache above her lip.

Written by Cristian Uriostegui

                                                                               – THE CLOVE –

Academy Security Footage Released, Unveils New DiCaprio Movie

Beverly Hills, CA—Just months after the release of The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio is wasting no time jumping into the production of his next big hit. The actor set off several alarms and other security systems while filming at the Academy Headquarters early this morning. Surveillance photos of the incident were leaked by the Academy. They revealed a convincingly exhausted DiCaprio that was “sweaty and haggard with bloodshot eyes.”  

Many of the leaked photos show DiCaprio with a crazed look in his eyes, clutching an Oscar trophy in each hand. Others capture DiCaprio standing on shelves and sifting through the archives of notes from various Academy meetings. Based on these photos, many are speculating that the film is going to be a detective mystery of sorts, the one genre DiCaprio has not come up just short of success in (yet).

DiCaprio was escorted out of the Headquarters within twenty minutes of setting off the alarms. DiCaprio insisted his trespassing was part of a filmmaking effort. Police removed him from the premises because he couldn’t provide a permit to film on the property. The paparazzi flocked to the Academy as soon as they caught wind of DiCaprio’s newest project, and body odor. Cameras were flashing everywhere as DiCaprio was carried out of the building and yelling to his film crew, “Are you getting this? This is great material!”

Esteemed film critic Hugh Jass, who happened to be walking his dog when he saw DiCaprio throw a brick through an Academy Headquarters window, had this to say: “I think the film may be a postmodern commentary on the primordial impulses that dictate everything that goes on here in Hollywood, despite all the fancy, Red Carpet glamour and materialistic narcissism that exists,” said Jass. Jass then looked down at his Rolex watch, apologizing and explaining how he was late for his Sunday morning mimosa brunch with Ryan Seacrest.

In his physical struggle with the police, DiCaprio dropped his script, which was then picked up by bystander, Joey Fisher, who claimed that the film is actually meant to be a drama. “This manuscript is very well-written,” said Fisher. “I’ll read you my favorite line: ‘I’ll get you, Oscar! I will get you, even if I die trying!’ Who is Oscar? Is he a lover? An enemy? Who knows?”

Though it took a lot of coaxing, we were able to convince Fisher to hand the manuscript over to The Clove, despite Fisher’s ambitions to sell it for profit at a later date. We sent the manuscript to Jass, who is a more reputable source than Fisher, and who got back to us with his thoughts after his brunch.

“It sounds kind of similar to The Revenant actually,” said Jass, “only instead of fighting off grizzlies in the Dakotas, he is fighting off his own bad luck in Hollywood.”

A teary-eyed DiCaprio was able to convince the police to allow him to attend the Oscars this evening, though he will be handcuffed to his chair. He was also ordered by the police to “take a shower, for Pete’s sake.”

Written by Kayla Schwab

-THE CLOVE-

Outraged Customers Scald Barista at Outletless Coffee Shop

Several college students walked into Cool Beanz coffee shop on Sunday evening with the intention of getting some work done. Everything started out exactly as planned: the students ordered their respective beverages (one black coffee, one plain latte, and one non-fat soy sugar-free pumpkin spice latte with extra whipped cream). Plain Latte even tipped. They found a cozy table and began work. The atmosphere was just right: muffled chatter, stellar Spotify station, and the sound of milk steaming.

However, things soon turned grim. Plain Latte’s MacBook Air had a critically low battery level of 5%. Frantically Plain Latte searched for nearby outlet but to their dismay there were none. 4%. Plain Latte approached Black coffee and Pumpkin spice pleading for help. 3%. They all promptly noticed their own electronics were at near-critical levels and joined the hunt. Pumpkin Spice looked high, Black Coffee low, using a flashlight on their phone to be sure not to miss any outlets.

In desperation, the three approached the barista. 2%. The barista explained that they had none, they were an OUTLETLESS coffee shop. The tension building (1%), Black Coffee screamed, Plain Latte laughed, and Pumpkin Spice cried. Realizing the gravity of their situation they could do nothing more than throw their drinks at the barista, perhaps thinking this would result in the barista releasing the top-secret location of the outlets? Authorities were called and the situation resolved without charges being pressed.

Cool Beanz will be closed this week for renovations.

Written by Jemma Howlett

                                                              – THE CLOVE –

COOL BADASS RECENTLY IN AREA

Poughkeepsie, NY— Saturday night, an empty Budweiser beer can was found abandoned in a Jewett stairwell indicating that a cool badass who loves to sip on tasty beers was recently nearby. The student who discovered the can, Jacob Polonski ‘18, postulated at length about the badass’ probably cool ass story. Polonski said, “This dude was likely just walking down the stairs with his crew (all in Motley Crue leather jackets), crispy cold beer in hand, probably on his way to some totally bonkers TH party. But, knowing his tasty brew was near its end, he decided to kill it in a final righteous sip. Badasses don’t walk and drink, it isn’t in their nature. So he probably stopped at this junction in the stairwell and glugged all the remaining beer while his mates chanted, ‘Glug glug glug!’ When the last of the slimy liquid slipped past his throat he, satisfied, probably nonchalantly tossed the can to the ground and he and his squad snapped their fingers as they exited the building.”

Another student, Samantha Madsen ‘17, corroborated Polonski’s speculative report. Madsen recalled hearing noises from the stairwell before the can was discovered. She said, “I was just hanging out in the MPR watching my programs when I heard people shouting  ‘Glug glug glug’ in the distance and then a big satisfied exhalation like ‘Ahhhh’ followed by ‘Yum yum now THAT was a good ass beer.’” Madsen continued, “Then I heard a voice yell, ‘KOBE’ followed by the scrape of aluminum against tile. Oh and then there was a bunch of snapping for some reason.” Madsen told us that she wished she could have, just for one second, caught even a fleeting glimpse of the cool badass.

Reporters used the recyclable, non-biodegradable can in an effort to track the cool badass’ route to the THs but they were never seen again.

Written by Cristian Uriostegui

-THE CLOVE-

VASSAR MISSED COUPLE PROVES YOU CAN FIND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY – After Tinder and Friendsy both failed her, Suzy Klein convinced herself that she would never find love. “I don’t pay $60,000 a year to be single in college. What’s the point of that?” she said.

On September 9, everything changed. Suzy got a Facebook friend request from “Vassar Missed.” Curious, she accepted, only to discover a page full of anonymous posts about secret crushes. “I was immediately drawn to Vassar Missed,” said Suzy. “It reminds me of middle school love notes. Those were the glory days. Everything was so much simpler back then,” she said, thinking back to her Abercrombie and Fitch graphic tees and chestnut brown Ugg boots. “Yeah, I had braces, but my cool clothes helped stop people from writing mean posts about me on Formspring.”

On September 21, during her nightly library scroll through the page’s posts, searching endlessly for a post about her, Suzy thought she saw a post about her:

Missed Connection #103: To the quiet girl with brown hair who is always yawning during ART 105: You always look kinda sad. Maybe I could put a smile on your face!

Suzy thought that this post could easily be about her. “It’s true, I do always yawn in Art History! There are only like 150 people in that class, and I bet only half of them are girls, and how many of them could possibly be as sad-looking as me?”

Just one week later, however, Suzy came across another post that was undoubtedly written about her:

Missed Connection #151: To the girl with three moles on the back of her left hand: I love the way your Birkenstock sandals sound across the quad every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:23 am on your walk to Rediscovering U.S. History with Professor Merrell.  You probably never notice me, but I’ve managed to time my walk back from psychology perfectly so that I see your glistening, cerulean blue eyes, which match your nail polish (except for on your right pinkie, where you picked it off). You are literally the only reason why I am able to stay awake during my 9am class. I long to see your face, even if only for a split second as you pass between Rocky and Strong. I tried to find you on Ask Banner, but realized I don’t know your name. If you ever want to talk, please, give me a sign!

“It was just so poetic,” Suzy said. I was dreaming for weeks that someone would write about me, and they finally did! And now I am lucky to have this guy in my life,” she said, pulling the alarm of no-longer-anonymous-anonymous-writer-slash-boyfriend, Andy Kramer.

“Finding out which class she was going to wasn’t too hard,” Andy said with a subtle yet sophisticated hair flip. “My second class isn’t until noon, so one day I just turned around and followed her into Swift. I’m probably the most normal-looking guy on this whole campus, which is why so many chicks dig me, but I also figured I wouldn’t look suspicious if she noticed me following her.”

Suzy reported that the mole detail was the real give-away.

“I have a photographic memory, so one look at her and I could picture every detail,” said Andy. “I also knew I could win her over with my beautiful prose. I may be a psych major, but I didn’t score a 5 on the AP Lit exam for nothing!” he said with a smile and a semi-private fist pump.

The following Tuesday, Suzy walked to history with extra alertness, staring into the eyes of every person that walked past her. The moment her eyes locked with Andy’s, she knew he was the one.

Suzy and Andy now go on regular deece-dates, where they enjoy people-watching over plates of deece-fries.

“If only everyone just posted on Vassar Missed, there would be so many more happy couples like us and fewer complaints about the shitty hook-up scene on campus!” said Suzy with confidence.

The couple is now planning their wedding to take place in Noyes on March 13. “No, neither of us live in Noyes, but we just think it’s a great location for a Spring Break wedding,” said Andy.

“It’s obviously the hot spot on campus to get married,” said Suzy.  “What better place to end our fairytale?”

Written by Kayla Schwab

-THE CLOVE-