People are in agreement that the past year was a particularly stressful one. Because of that a lot of people going into the New Year with “less stress” scrawled violently onto the top of their New Year’s resolutions list. So, in the spirit of less stress, our editorial staff pieced together a list that will make reducing your stress levels a breeze.
1. Throw your phone in the microwave
Many scientists and media critics say that people today are too plugged in and that it’s having a detrimental effect on people’s emotional health. Many extreme retreats offer the option of a “digital detox” to help people unplug. Unfortunately these retreats are often prohibitively expensive and full of rich people but don’t let that discourage you.
To get the same result of a digital detox without breaking your budget just toss your phone into your microwave and press “Potato.” As you watch your phone singe and burn you will hear it loudly snap, crackle, and pop your way to a stress free year. If you’re worried about missing emails from work or calls from your young kids, that’s fine! They’re probably what was stressing you out. Forget about them and take some you time.
2. Just Drive
It’s that easy. Don’t worry about where you’re going or how much gas you have in the tank. Just drive. As anyone who can remember sitting afraid in the back of their uncle’s 1979 Ford Pinto as he repeatedly drifted into sleep on the freeway will know, driving can be very soothing.
Don’t worry yourself with trivialities either. Don’t use a map or even read any signs. They’re all just more effort that you’re trying to avoid, you busybody! Just drive out of town and into new, unfamiliar territory until your car says, “Seriously, no more gas” and then keep driving!
3. Get out and keep walking
Walking is a great way to burn calories and get your mind off of your problems. Just keep walking down the road, refusing help from any passers by who offer. When the moment feels right and you hear nature’s call, turn off the road and continue walking into the woods. Nature offers a great refuge from all of your problems and makes it easier to hide from them when they come looking for you.
4. Prepare a shelter
As night falls and temperatures quickly begin to drop you may start to question your judgment. Don’t! Don’t ever do that. Instead turn your mind to creating somewhere warm where you can rest and survive the night. Preparing a warm shelter is a great task-based project that allows you to clear your mind and put your soft, uncalloused hands to work.
Seek strong sticks that can provide a sturdy framework for your new home. To protect yourself from the devil’s cool wind, layer leaves and branches over the frame that you have created to trap sweet, Godly warmth inside your burrow. This is your home now.
5. Hone a weapon
Now that you have survived the night, you may realize that you have been facing extreme hunger for up to ten hours now. You may be tempted to find the road and turn back to find food. No! Don’t do that! Don’t you ever do that! You can’t go back. Ever! But you also can’t just go chasing after prey. That’s a surefire way to deplete the remaining energy reserves from the kale salad you ate before toasting your phone and skipping town.
Search the surrounding area until you acquire a branch and/or pole. Since you probably didn’t have the foresight to bring a knife or a small hand-axe, use the keys from your Focus to carefully fashion a point on one end of your pole or branch. Finally, build a small fire to “bake” the point of your spear. Small craft projects like this have been shown by studies to be successful at reducing stress levels and they totally make you feel like a kid again.
6. Track down prey
With your weapon in tow, the hunt can now begin. Start by locating a spot with damp earth. Remove your clothes and take the earth and cake it onto your naked body until it sticks like paint. This will make it harder for your prey to smell you and it will symbolize an act of communion with the earth. Slowly and quietly scan the ground looking for signs of prey like tracks or droppings. It may not come naturally at first but if you heed them closely, the pathway to food will make itself known.
Tread lightly.
7. Show no mercy
Once you have learned to speak in the language of the earth, your spear will begin to look less like a roasted stick and start to look more like a close friend or caring father. This is good.
After nature’s directions have taken your hand and led you to a small, unsuspecting herd, it is important not to strike prematurely. As if with a warm and familiar lover, take your time and withhold your touch until your prey is practically begging you to strike.
Once you have come within range of the creature, strike swiftly and with certainty. You may be tempted to sympathize for the creature, but you must resist. You cannot falter for you are both just partners in a bloody and violent dance that the earth has with itself.
Once you know with certainty that your prey’s heart has stopped, take its blood and use it to mark yourself. By honoring your prey you ensure future prosperity and honor the cycle of life, which commands all. If there is a Whole Foods in the area, swing by and grab some seasoning for flavor. If there isn’t a Whole Foods, eat the animal raw.
8. Try drinking green tea
Another easy way to reduce stress is by drinking green tea. Research shows that green tea can relieve stress. A recent study has shown that if you drink five cups of green tea each day, you may reduce occurrences of psychological distress by up to 20 percent. Wow!
Written by Cristian Uriostegui
– THE CLOVE –
The Clove 