Remember when Jim Webb bragged about Killing a Guy on National TV?

Holy shit. Like that’s fucking wild. Who the hell says that? How do you think that conversation played out with his staff before the debate? I think it went almost exactly like this:

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator Webb, I’d advise you to avoid telling the Vietnam anecdote, it is rather… uh bleak.”

 

JIM “FUCKING” WEBB [looking his chief of staff straight in the eye]: “No, I am certainly definitely going to talk about Killing A Guy during a presidential debate.”

“This is something that is going to happen and you need to accept it.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Well, maybe you could change part of the story. Like the part where you end a life.”

 

JIM “PAIN” WEBB: “No can do. Dave, I’m a straightshooter, which means I shoot straight at people until they are dead.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF [worriedly]: “Jim please, I don’t think that will resonate well with the voters who dislike stuff such as intimate descriptions of violence from a presidential candidate.”

 

JIM “MURDERCAT” WEBB: “I think those voters will come around to my way of thinking after they hear me speak.  Now, let’s work on my closing line.”

“Why should I be president? Well, I’ve done the most one-on-one murder of anyone here, no doubt.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator, I’m not sure that’s how we want to end the debate, also are you going to smile exactly like that as you tell the story? It’s somewhat… off-putting.”

 

JIM “THE REAPER” WEBB [smiling]: No.

Written by Michael Loukeris 

                                                                 – THE CLOVE –

Avowed Socialist Fills Free Water Cup With Soda

San Antonio, TX – Local skateboard shop cashier and self-designated socialist Larry Rather was seen at a local Wing Daddys asking for a cup of water. Rather obtained a cup from the Wing Daddy’s staff under the presumption that he was going to fill the cup with water. However, when Rather approached the soda fountain he was seen filling his cup with Coca-Cola.

The Wing Daddy’s manager Keith O’Keith was reached for comment.
“I gave the man [Rather] the water cup, expecting him to drink exactly that: water. But to my surprise he sauntered on over to the soda fountain and pushed that water cup against the Cokey-Cola lever,” said O’Keith. “It was devastating.”

Patrons on site at the Wing Daddys were eager to express their opinion. Former Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb, who was sitting alone at the Wing Daddys, said, “this was a clear breach of the social contract of the water cup. It’s a water cup, you fill it with water and water only. Those are the rules and this guy broke them. You put water in the water cup. It ain’t rocket science.” Webb took a deep breath, then continued, “I ain’t a rocket scientist, I’m Jim Webb. If I were manager of this Wing Daddys I’d make sure this never happened again.”

When reached for comment, Rather defended his actions as politically just.

“Just because I can’t afford soda doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to get some. Why should soda be a privilege only accessible to the top 1%?” said Rather, “Just because someone has more money doesn’t mean they’re more entitled to soda.” Rather took a sip.

O’Keith was last seen glaring at Rather from across the restaurant with his arms crossed.

Written by Cristian Uriostegui

                                                                       – THE CLOVE –