Everybody Loves Raymond

POUGHKEEPSIE – Vassar College psychologists have become concerned about the mental health of many Raymond House residents after the publishing of a recent survey. The survey’s data, taken exclusively from Raymond’s residents, concluded that they believe Raymond is actually a nice place to live.

Residents said that their substandard bathrooms, overheated hallways, and cramped rooms were just a few of the many things that gave Raymond its unique and appealing charm. 80 percent of them insisted that Raymond was “Definitely their first choice dorm,” while 90 percent reported they, “Couldn’t be happier living here.” At least 65 percent said that Raymond is the best dorm at Vassar, while an additional 25 percent said, while it may not be the best dorm, it is “certainly better than, like, Joss or Davi.”

When asked to comment on the dorm’s conditions and what exactly makes them nice, one student responded saying, “I befriended one of the mice and made a little house for him. I dressed it up and made it model — it’s all very chic,” and another, “When the walls are as thin as this, your neighbors are really more like your roommates. Especially when they have sex. It’s like you’re right there with them!”

When asked if the dorm appealed to them physically, they insisted that the most attractive features about the dorm were the bleak paint-job, splintery wood, and the asylum-like design.

“I don’t even have to decorate my room!” said one resident, “With all the cracks and the pattern of chipped paint, the job is already done!”

We spoke with psychology professor Daniel Hershler to ask his professional opinion on why Raymond residents were so enthusiastic about their conditions.

“Well, when someone is held captive in a place or by a person for a very long time, especially if that place or person is harsh or dirty,” he said, “they become attached to the familiarity of their surroundings or captors and start to see them as beautiful and sometimes even fall in love with them. You and I know this too be a delusion, but captives don’t know any better. We in the medical community call this Stockholm Syndrome.”

One sophomore on the building’s fourth floor said, “Yes, well we could be like those pampered snobs in Davison or Lathrop with their ‘working doors’ and ‘rats that keep their distance’, but Raymond, uh… builds character!” and then burst into violent fit of laughter.

However, first-year on the third floor said they were struggling to settle into living in such a substandard environment. “I’m trying to get used to it,” they said, “Raymond is like… well, do you want to be held captive in some cramped, hot, smelly room? No. But eventually you will just get used to it and I’ve been told by mid-year I’ll hardly even notice the crumbling bathrooms and the whipsering walls and I may even come to actually embrace it.” The resident then burst into tears saying “Why Raymond!? Why not any dorm but Raymond!?” and ran screaming down the hall.

Editor’s note—

As our reporter was leaving Raymond, he was struck by a piece of falling asbestos and sustained blunt head trauma. He is currently in critical condition at Vassar Brother’s Medical Center.

Written by Drew Solender

                                                                 – THE CLOVE –

Remember when Jim Webb bragged about Killing a Guy on National TV?

Holy shit. Like that’s fucking wild. Who the hell says that? How do you think that conversation played out with his staff before the debate? I think it went almost exactly like this:

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator Webb, I’d advise you to avoid telling the Vietnam anecdote, it is rather… uh bleak.”

 

JIM “FUCKING” WEBB [looking his chief of staff straight in the eye]: “No, I am certainly definitely going to talk about Killing A Guy during a presidential debate.”

“This is something that is going to happen and you need to accept it.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Well, maybe you could change part of the story. Like the part where you end a life.”

 

JIM “PAIN” WEBB: “No can do. Dave, I’m a straightshooter, which means I shoot straight at people until they are dead.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF [worriedly]: “Jim please, I don’t think that will resonate well with the voters who dislike stuff such as intimate descriptions of violence from a presidential candidate.”

 

JIM “MURDERCAT” WEBB: “I think those voters will come around to my way of thinking after they hear me speak.  Now, let’s work on my closing line.”

“Why should I be president? Well, I’ve done the most one-on-one murder of anyone here, no doubt.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator, I’m not sure that’s how we want to end the debate, also are you going to smile exactly like that as you tell the story? It’s somewhat… off-putting.”

 

JIM “THE REAPER” WEBB [smiling]: No.

Written by Michael Loukeris 

                                                                 – THE CLOVE –

Blog: Horoscopes for the Self-Hating, Halloween Edition

Capricorn:

Though Capricorn is one of the most stable astrological types, self-discipline will be very difficult for you this week. You will watch through the library windows as your friends have fun.

Leo:

This Halloween you will go as an animal, and realize your existence is killing them all. You are morally implicated in the extinction of your new guise, so do a good impression.

Taurus:

Keep yourself busy so that you don’t say something fucked up. You will, though. Know what you did, and move on.

Sagittarius:

Your astrological element is fire. You will make a joke about your upcoming mixtape, and nobody will laugh. You earned that silence.

Virgo:

You’re dressed as a bunny, even though you’ve never been touched. It’s not your fault, but some dickhead dressed as Hugh Hefner in a smoking jacket will make a joke. He has acne.

Aries:

You will attend a great party this weekend, and bob for apples. But no one’s impressed when you nab the most apples—instead, they wonder why you never got that overbite fixed.

Pisces:

With the Moon in your privacy and soul sector again today, dear Pisces, taking extra time for reflection or rest is important. It would be wise to find ways to channel excess mental energy into something more useful, like counting your toes. Are they all there?

Scorpio:

This is your month, baby! Too bad you’re too nervous to put a coherent sentence together.

Cancer:

You will be boiled alive in a giant cauldron of… laughter! You are the life of the party in your crab costume, until the novelty wears off when the lobster walks in. But you knew that going in.

Aquarius:

You take a lot of shrooms and contemplate the grotesque. We are all walking corpses, so skeleton costumes are pretty wild. You’re right about everything.

Libra:

You find a gift in front of your door in the form of a flaming bag of dog shit. You will stamp it out, welcoming the humiliation.

Gemini:

Gemini, the twins. You will go with a partner, but they will leave you at the party to make out with someone. Even though their costume makes sense independently, yours doesn’t.

Written by Chris Dietz

– THE CLOVE  –

SAINT BERNARD ATTACKS BECOME DEFINING ISSUE IN PRESIDENTIAL RACE

WASHINGTON D.C. – An already divided group of presidential candidates has become even more so in response to the Saint Bernard uprising that has swept the nation. While at first experts assumed we were simply experiencing an increase in the number of bitten owners, it soon became apparent as the death tolls reached into the thousands that an all-out revolt of the Saint Bernard breed of dogs was upon us. While no one is certain what caused these dogs to act this way, or what the best possible solution is, each of the GOP and Democratic candidates believe they are most qualified to stem the crisis. Here are a few of their statements on the issue:

MIKE HUCKABEE- “It is abhorrent that Saint Bernards have the gall to consider themselves Christian dogs named after his holiness St. Bernard of Clairvaux. In the past, I have said that those who don’t read the Bible do not belong in this country. I now realize that I was clearly speaking of dogs, Satan’s cuddle-buddies, and predicted these attacks as God and I are more than friends.”

DONALD TRUMP- “When I’m president, the Saint Bernards are gone, first day. Gone, bing, bong, fiddly-bop. Because I’ve run a business and guess what: dogs weren’t allowed. Dogs were never allowed in ANY of my businesses. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton let Saint Bernards into this country and I will get ‘em out!”

HILLARY CLINTON- “While I may have supported dogs in the past, and while Bill may have passed some of the strongest pro-dog legislation in place today, I have grown personally and politically and can officially declare that I am a cat person. So let me be your president. I really want to be president.”

BEN CARSON- “You don’t need to be a brain surgeon to knows that we need to respond in a manner that is surgical, precise, and healing in nature. Saint Bernards and all canine are a cancerous melanoma on this nation and I know a thing or two about removing cancers from places. ”

Due to the seriousness of the Saint Bernard issue, a number of surprising newcomers have entered the presidential fray. Here is what they have to say regarding the killing-spree and their presidential aspirations:

CESAR MILLAN (THE DOG WHISPERER)- “I feel as if my candidacy is self-explanatory.”

BOB BARKER: “Who didn’t spay and neuter their pets? Who the fuck didn’t spay and neuter their pets?! I said that shit five times a week on national television for like 70 years, god dammit. If I am elected president I will find you and make you pay. ”

BRIAN LEVANT (DIRECTOR OF BEETHOVEN)- “I can say from first hand experience that not all Saint Bernards are bad. In the past, I have worked and thrived with one, making what many a child has called a true American classic. I will reach across the human-dog divide and find out why Saint Bernards are killing so many people, and come to an understanding that makes them stop.”

With such diversity in opinion, we will certainly have to wait for the primaries to begin to see how the (surviving) American public feels on the issue.

–Written by Tyler Wilch

-THE CLOVE-