Remember when Jim Webb bragged about Killing a Guy on National TV?

Holy shit. Like that’s fucking wild. Who the hell says that? How do you think that conversation played out with his staff before the debate? I think it went almost exactly like this:

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator Webb, I’d advise you to avoid telling the Vietnam anecdote, it is rather… uh bleak.”

 

JIM “FUCKING” WEBB [looking his chief of staff straight in the eye]: “No, I am certainly definitely going to talk about Killing A Guy during a presidential debate.”

“This is something that is going to happen and you need to accept it.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Well, maybe you could change part of the story. Like the part where you end a life.”

 

JIM “PAIN” WEBB: “No can do. Dave, I’m a straightshooter, which means I shoot straight at people until they are dead.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF [worriedly]: “Jim please, I don’t think that will resonate well with the voters who dislike stuff such as intimate descriptions of violence from a presidential candidate.”

 

JIM “MURDERCAT” WEBB: “I think those voters will come around to my way of thinking after they hear me speak.  Now, let’s work on my closing line.”

“Why should I be president? Well, I’ve done the most one-on-one murder of anyone here, no doubt.”

 

CHIEF OF STAFF: “Senator, I’m not sure that’s how we want to end the debate, also are you going to smile exactly like that as you tell the story? It’s somewhat… off-putting.”

 

JIM “THE REAPER” WEBB [smiling]: No.

Written by Michael Loukeris 

                                                                 – THE CLOVE –

HUMAN VOICES: The Vegetarian Hunter

Name: Artemis Snickles

Age: 47

Occupation: Freelance gardener

City of Residence: Portland, Oregon

What does being a vegetarian hunter mean to you?

Well, it’s pretty simple. I live the life of your typical middle-aged veg-aholic. I spend most of my time tending to my many gardens, appreciating the Earth’s breathtaking natural gifts, and cooking, preparing, and consuming the bounty that Mother Earth has generously bestowed upon us. And then every weekend, me and my boys head to the woods for some good ole-fashioned animal murderin’.

 

Could you explain that last part a little more?

I cherish the taste of vegetables and the lifestyle that goes along with them, but I also really love the thrill of the kill. I just love killing so much, it’s great! Nothing beats the sweet taste of carrot juice in your mouth or the wet feeling of deer blood between your fingers. I want to rush to my juicer/gun just thinking about it.

 

Have you been able to find others, a community if you will, of people who share these passions?

Well, I have been able to find veg-a-philes and animal-death-lusters like myself easily and with abundance. However, it has been surprisingly hard to find people who also love both like myself. But I always take things day by day and believe people come around eventually. So I think that my pestering of my hunter buds about the tastiness and health benefits of a vegetarian lifestyle will get them to convert in time. And I also think my vegetarian friends will surely go on hunting adventures with me if I keep sharing detailed descriptions of the intense pleasure I receive from looking an animal in the eye as I personally take all of its life away.

Written by Tyler Wilch

-THE CLOVE-

Breakfast-Bound Scholars Blown Away: Cutlery Caper Confounds Campus!

Friday morning calamity struck, as three students, Clyde Jones ‘16, Axel Smith ‘16, and Mandy Vogelstein ‘17, were suddenly obliterated just outside the All-Campus Dining Center by a stray projectile. According to witnesses the object burst through the window and caught them on their way to an adequate, though by no means exemplary, meal.

Campus security officers, who were immediately called to the scene to investigate the gruesome killings, ascertained the nature of the weapon as an “apple-fork jumble.” The forks were inserted into the apple prong-first, creating an instrument that, though not immediately deadly to the touch, can still kill. The weapon was perhaps developed by a group of fledgling scientists, or, more likely, economics majors.

All three students were struck simultaneously. The crime has been complicated by the fact that the third felled student, farthest from the Deece, Ms. Vogelstein, lay in a contrasting direction from the toss pattern. This suggests either that the projectile bounced off each student to the next, defying most laws of physics, or instead that there was a second projectile, fired from the leafy path nearby, recovered from the scene before officials could arrive.

Investigators have taken strides to apprehend the guilty parties, leaving Mr. Jones’ exploded head on the path as a trap for the murderer(s), who, authorities surmise, would be intent on returning to the scene of the crime to collect the trophy. Students are advised “not to fucking touch it, Christ why the fuck would they? Jesus!”

Though stressing the flukey and seemingly unmotivated nature of the act, as well as its status as a one-time incident, administrators have alerted the campus to be on the lookout for any and all fruit-silverware hybrids, as well as Bobby Snaggletooth ‘17, who has not been seen since the incident. A forensic artist’s rendering of Snapteeth, the prime suspect, has been included.

Snackbooth ‘17

Written by Chris Dietz

– THE CLOVE –